By Noah Kaufman
Updated June 20, 2014
This could soon be full of Stephen Colbert's Put It In Your Mouth
© iStockphoto

Stephen Colbert devoted the bulk of his first act last night to two innovations that he believes could revolutionize the way we eat.

First up: the Domino’s Smart Slice. Last week Domino’s unveiled a pizza they say will meet all the requirements set out in the new FDA school nutrition guidelines. The sauce on the Smart Slice has one-third the salt of a normal Domino’s pizza, the cheese has half the fat, and most importantly, it meets the requirement that any bread must contain at least 50 percent whole grain by including 51 percent wheat flour in its crust. That’s important, Colbert claimed, because it “sends a great message to our kids: 51 percent is a passing grade.”

Colbert introduced the great Doritos Mystery Tour next. Doritos began selling three new flavors of chips labeled only 855, 404 and 2653. “Finally,” said Colbert, “Doritos is naming chips for the atomic numbers in their active ingredients.”

Colbert also used the story of Doritos new mystery flavors to launch his own new line of snacks, Put It in Your Mouth—and he has a great pitch. “Each bag of Put It in Your Mouth is chock full of its ingredients. What are those? Eat them and tell us.” Finally, a man who realizes that the best way to enjoy most snack foods is to remain completely clueless about their contents.