By Mike Pomranz
Updated April 28, 2016
© Joe Robbins/Getty Images

The 2016 NFL Draft kicks off this evening. It’s that glorious weekend where football fans watch college kids they pretend to have heard of get picked by NFL teams pretending they know how good they’ll be. Many pundits find the whole vetting process teams use is to pick players ridiculous – as if running 40 yards in a straight line demonstrates how well you can navigate a defense or taking a Wonderlic test can show if you’re smart enough to throw a ball.

But if you desperately need one more example of just how silly the drafting process is, look no further than an article published earlier this week in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel where an unnamed “scout” suggested that Ohio State cornerback and projected first round draft pick Eli Apple might not be ready for the NFL because he can’t cook. Because everyone knows the best NFL prospects come out of the Culinary Institute of America. (The CIA really does have a basketball team, by the way)


“I worry about him because of off-the-field issues,” the anonymous scout was quoted as saying. “The kid has no life skills. At all. Can't cook. Just a baby. He's not first round for me. He scares me to death.” Anyone else feeling the inherent irony in a grown man critiquing a 20-year-old but not even being man enough to give his own name?

Adding to the circus of it all, Apple’s mom, Annie, reportedly chimed in on Twitter. “Btw, Eli's dad is a retired five star chef,” she tweeted. “We eat well. So stop playing with our name.” Damn, I’m guessing all the restaurant scouts are pissed they’re about to lose a kid with that kind of pedigree to the NFL.

For the record, I couldn’t cook in college and I turned out fine.