Chicago’s The Wieners Circle Will Now Insult You on Facetime

We all have those little food-related things we’ve missed during the coronavirus lockdown. Maybe it was grabbing a morning latte. Maybe it was chatting with the owner of your local sandwich spot. Or maybe it was being ruthlessly berated by the woman behind the counter at your favorite Chicago hot dog stand. If that’s the case, well do we have good news for you…

The Wieners Circle in Lincoln Park is famous for more than its Chicago-style dogs; it’s also known for its affable acceptance of foul language, typically in service of insulting customers until they are hopefully crying with laughter and ready to return fire. Now, due to COVID-19, the stand is offering that entire experience online—insults, of course, included—thanks to the technological gift of Facetime.

In a new, very NSFW video posted to YouTube entitled “We’re Here For You,” The Wieners Circle lays out the plan. “In these uncertain times, we’re all longing for a sense of normalcy, yet we don’t know what the new normal will look like,” the 74-second clip begins. “More than ever, the distance between us has grown, and we’re yearning for the contact we once had. We just want someone to tell us everything will be okay, and to hear...” Well, The Wieners Circle’s Chief Insult Artist Poochie Jackson takes things from there, and honestly, I’m not sure if I can print a single word of it.

You can watch the entire video below, but maybe get those headphones on if you have kids nearby…

The moral: Customers can now order through Facetime simply by dialing… uh… 773-BITCHES, obviously. Ordering is also available through the less face-to-face platforms of Tock, Grubhub, or UberEats, but the good news is that if you choose to pick up your order yourself, you are still eligible for “Curbside Abuse,” as Wieners Circle humorously calls it, and can even choose from different options like “Middle Finger,” “Mama Jokes,” or “Millennials” free of charge. But you should tip extra, you cheap ass. (Sorry, just trying to get into the spirit.) Or, if being verbally abused is not your thing but you still want some world-famous grub, well, you can “just do regular delivery.”

Making all of this further worth your while, Wieners Circle adds, “All sales support Chicago’s Covid 19 Fund & Chicago’s Black-Owned Restaurant Relief Fund.”

“People just want something to smile about,” manager Evelyn Morris said according to AdAge. “And apparently hearing us call them yuppy-ass bitches makes ‘em smile. Even though you can’t see their fuckin’ mouths behind their masks.”