I Wasn't Interested in the Royal Wedding Until Velveeta Gave Me No Choice
America's obsession with the British royals has reached peak frenzy as Prince Harry and Meghan Markle prepare to wed this Saturday. For months, the spectacle has been magnified by brands attempting to be participate in a conversation that isn't so much a conversation as the declaration: "This is happening, so buy some things, c'mon!!" (There are many things to buy, from commemorative soups to lemon-elderflower milkshakes topped with plastic rings.)
Who doesn't love love? And fancy-hatted pageantry? I like those things just fine. But ever since the Queen's last corgi, Willow, passed away in April, I've found it hard to muster enthusiasm for anything Windsor-adjacent. I promise I'm not trying to act superior, and I'll prove it: The one thing that got me excited about the royal wedding, which I am now completely invested in, is Velveeta's limited-edition, royal-themed version of their not-legally-cheese cheese noodles.
"Velveeta Shells & Cheese is releasing a luxurious, extra-indulgent edition of its Shells & Cheese: Crowns & Cheese," read an email I opened this morning from a Velveeta representative. "It has the same warm, rich and cheesy creaminess of Velveeta Shells & Cheese that makes for a decadent and delicious eating experience – but with the addition of crown-shaped pasta, because cheesy crowns are better than real ones anyway. Who wants to be a princess, when you can indulge in creamy Velveeta Crowns & Cheese and eat like a Queen?"
This, to me, was remarkable: the one brand on the planet I'd least associate with the royals (besides, I don't know, Von Dotch) was trying to get in on the Royal Wedding action, and I was into it. The idea of setting my alarm for 5 a.m. on Saturday, whipping up some Cheeto-orange noodles, and tuning into a livestream knowing that I, too, was an American princess in my own way, was so ludicrous it became alluring, evoking a loony type of luxury. When was the last time I treated myself to soft, cheese-inspired carbs on a Saturday morning? Never, is when.
The special-edition Velveeta is packaged alongside their original Shells & Cheese (and a gold-plated spoon) "in a deluxe gold foil box." Velveeta is offering the boxes to the first people to enter on www.RoyallyTreatYourself.com, while supplies last. (Judging from the website, there seem to be about 800 available.)
Velveeta cheese, made with whey protein concentrate and milk protein, is chemically engineered to be delicious, and I'm not ashamed to say that the chemicals work on me. Plus it's not my fault; it's consumerism's.