Credit: © Aramark

After a handful of contests yesterday, Major League Baseball opens its season in earnest today with a dozen games. And the arms race for the most insane way to take in thousands of calories while you take in a ballgame continued this year in full force. It might not have seemed possible to ratchet up items like s’mores covered bacon, but concession stands this year have figured out a way. Here, some of the most outlandish ideas created for big league teams this year.

Tempura Battered Cheddar Stuffed Bacon Burger – Kansas City Royals

Because we all know a deep fried patty stuffed with bacon isn’t enough on its own, the deep fried pickle garnish, is really what puts this monster over the top.

Two-Foot Cheesesteak –New York Yankees

Across town at Citi Field they might be bringing David Chang’s trendy Fuku sandwiches, but in a fight, Chang’s fried chicken would get decimated by this bad boy. Presumably the 24 inch cheesesteak will last you at least three or four innings. And with a $27 price tag it better. Make sure to wash it down with some questionable beer.

Burgerizza – Atlanta Braves

Buns are boring. Pizzas are not. Throw some nachos on this thing and you’ve got a ballpark trifecta. You will also have a very unpleasant following morning.

Chicken and Donut Skewer – Texas Rangers

Of everything on this list, the chicken and donut skewer makes, by leaps and bounds, the most sense. It’s got most everything you like about chicken and waffles, but, you know, on a stick.

Cracker Jack and Mac Dog – Pittsburgh Pirates

Is it possible to take the sweet and savory trend a step too far? The concessioneers at Pittsburgh’s PNC park are determined to find out by putting Cracker Jacks on top of a foot-long hot dog. And because that’s not enough they’re also adding mac ‘n’ cheese, salted caramel sauce and fried jalapeños on naan bread. If you ever wanted evidence that America is a weird melting pot, this is it.

Buffalo Cauliflower Poutine – Toronto Blue Jays

Sure, baseball is America’s pastime, but the Toronto Blue Jays are determined to make a run at the World Series this year. And while they do they’ll feed their fans the traditional Canadian way, with poutine. The new version at Rogers Centre is vegetarian friendly (yes, amidst these meat monstrosities there are some veg options), made with buffalo fried cauliflower, cheese curds and “cheesy” gravy.

The Punisher – Atlanta Braves

The Braves’ second entry on this list provokes the following question: “Wait, what?” The punisher features deep fried, smoked rib meat covered in a Monster Energy Drink barbecue sauce with an onion ring on top and two pieces of bacon as garnish. We don’t know why, you’d make barbecue sauce out of an energy drink, but we guess it’s courageous that someone wanted to find out.