Forget Astrology, Your Future Is Written in the Way You Spread Your Mayo

Kraft is offering "mayo readings" on TikTok and Twitter during Mercury retrograde.

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The most dreaded two-word phrase on the astrological calendar might be "Mercury retrograde," and unfortunately we're all fumbling our way through that right now. According to the Old Farmer's Almanac, when Mercury is in retrograde, a little bit of everything can go wrong, leading to "confusion, delay, and frustration," especially when it comes to anything involving communication, travel, or well-coordinated plans.

But Kraft Mayo wants to do its part to help everyone through the next couple of weeks — or until June 2, when Mercury sorts itself out again — by offering a round of "Mayo Readings." They've enlisted comedian David Ebert as their first ever Mayo Reader, and he's offering personalized interpretations of, uh, the way people slather mayonnaise across a slice of bread. (Oh, you thought you were just making a sandwich? Nope, you were apparently revealing infinite details about your personality, your life, and your future!)

"Here at Kraft Mayo, we champion those who revel in their individuality, and the introduction of the world's first Mayo Reader allows us to celebrate the uniqueness of Kraft Mayo lovers down to the way they spread their favorite condiment," Kraft Real Mayo Brand Manager Frances Sabatier said in a statement. "Kraft Mayo is also all about standing up for love of mayo and other things that might be seen as polarizing. That's why we're diving headfirst into the controversial cultural debate around astrology with the introduction of Mayo Readings."

So what does a Mayo Reading look like? If you'd like to find out for yourself, you can share a TikTok of your mayonnaise-covered bread by duetting @RealKraftMayo on TikTok, or post a picture or video on Twitter, ensuring that you tag @RealKraftMayo there too. From now through Thursday, May 26, the Mayo Reader will be serving up his interpretations of each swipe, squeeze, and swirl of mayonnaise.

Some of the Mayo Readings that have already been posted praised a "scraper with a touch of single swiper" for "[working] hard to get what you want, yet still take time to appreciate the finer things in life." Another interpretation suggested that a "thick spreader" was indicative of a person who was "quite stubborn when it comes to what you want." (And the Mayo Reader also politely suggested that the reading might've been more accurate if they'd used Kraft instead of Duke's mayonnaise.)

"I don't even like mayo, but maybe I do now," one commenter wrote on TikTok. Depending on what the Mayo Readings hold for us, maybe we could say the same about Mercury retrograde.

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