By Mike Pomranz
Updated June 15, 2015
The most popular baby names of 2015 were Liam and Emma. Presumably last on that list? Quinoa. But as a promotional campaign for their new quinoa bowls, BJ’s Restaurant and Brewhouse offered up $10,000 in free food at BJ’s Restaurant and Brewhouse to any parent willing to name their newborn after the ancient grain. Who collected on the 10 grand in wings and burgers? We don’t know. BJ’s said the winners are only available if you send them a “self-addressed stamped envelope” requesting the information. At the time of writing ours has not been returned. Maybe we should have tried mailing a potato instead. They seem to arrive promptly.
© Radius Images / Alamy

Here’s one restaurant trend we weren’t expecting: Chains advertising to us with toddler talk.

Panera Bread recently announced that it will remove 150 artificial additives from its menu by the end of 2016—an admirable stance and one a lot of big brands have been taking recently. Huge companies like Pizza Hut, Taco Bell and Subway have all made similar proclamations as of late.

But Panera has an interesting way of letting us know which ingredients will be out. When it released its “no-no” list, the company chose language less fit for a national chain and more reminiscent of something our mom said when we reached for old bottles under the kitchen sink.

Could using language we typically reserve for children make all recent restaurant news more palatable? We’ll let you be the judge. Can you decipher the headlines we’ve assuaged below?

1. Pizza Hut Executives Sent to Time-Out, Told to Think About What They’ve Done After Botched ‘Flavor of Now’ Campaign

2. Taco Bell Proves It’s a Big Boy, Plans to Test Alcohol in Chicago Location

3. Picky McDonald’s Decides Eating Kale Is OK Despite Calling It ‘Icky’ During Super Bowl Ad

4. Olive Garden Sets Up Playdate Between Breadsticks and Chicken Parmigiana

5. Starbucks Throws Temper Tantrum After San Francisco Tells Them They’ve Had Too Much Sugar

6. KFC Asks Darrell Hammond if He Wants to Play Dress-Up, Pretend He’s Colonel Sanders

7. Carl’s Jr. Puts Hot Dog on Top of Hamburger, Needs to Stop Playing with Their Food

8. Shake Shack Is Going to Need a Bigger Piggy Bank

9. Chipotle Takes Burritos, Goes Home After Pig Farmers Won’t Play Nice

10. Burger King Brings Back Creepy King Mascot; Remember to Check Under Your Bed Before Going to Sleep