The Definitive Ranking of Drugstore Easter Candy
Easter Sunday is still a couple of sweet days away but you may have already started shoveling brightly colored sugar birds and bunnies into your mouth. There is so much candy floating around on Easter that it can be a bit overwhelming, so here is how it breaks down: the good, the skippable and the “I definitely should not have eaten that.”
9. Panoramic Sugar Eggs
What are these even? Has anyone actually eaten one? Let’s hope not, since they’re basically the gingerbread houses of the Easter season. It’s like someone made a diorama of Precious Moments figurines out of sugar.
8. All Regular Candy That is Just Easter Colored
Back off M&M’s, tiny Snickers and Hershey’s Kisses. You guys have the rest of the year. No fair impersonating Easter candy. We’ll get back to you next week.
7. Cadbury Creme Eggs
Do they hurt you teeth when you eat them? Yes. Do they get stuck in your mouth for an entire workday? Yes. But do they taste good doing it? Sort of. Plus, you can do unusual things with them. Like break them into ice cream or shakers and even freeze disturbing omelets.
6. Brach’s Jelly Beans
Why, oh, why does anyone put licorice-flavor jelly beans in the bag with the ones that taste good? It just makes you eat them by accident. Green could probably go, too. Brach’s are the only true Easter jelly beans. Jelly Belly should keep with what it does best and remain a highlight of suburban malls.
5. Chocolate Bunnies
Finding out the bunny is hollow is one of the most disappointing moments of a young child’s life. Watching that child bite the head off that bunny is one of the creepiest moments of a parent’s.
4. Robin’s Eggs
The bite-size malted milk balls in happy colors are the perfect things to sneak into any Easter weekend movie.
3. Marshmallow Cream–Filled Eggs
Russell Stover rules this category and solves the empty chocolate shell conundrum with eggs filled with everything from “raspberry whip” to a new birthday-cake flavor. If you eat fancy chocolate throughout the year, the chocolate’s way too sweet, but you’ll be pulled in by the sweet-sugar fluff inside.
2. Peanut Butter Eggs
These are the exception to point 8 (not like those damn M&M’s). A Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup is fantastic any time of year, and in egg form it is just that much more festive.
We may disagree with our editor about these being absolutely fantastic based on their cuteness and fluffiness (if you eat them within three minutes of opening the package), but more than any other candy they scream Easter. To the point that it would not be surprising if the Peeps company, Just Born, decided to invent talking ones that literally screamed “Easter.” And there really are a lot of things you can do with them. We may not like Peeps in the traditional sense, but damn it, we respect them.