By Noah Kaufman
Updated May 01, 2014
Cupcakes. Sexy, sexy cupcakes.
| Credit: © Quentin Bacon

Every week by this point you have undoubtedly spent nearly 100 percent of your time online watching videos of cats riding vacuum cleaners and finding out which character from Blossom you really are. Meanwhile, the world has been going on without you. Here are some things you missed while you were buried in the Internet:

Women Would Rather Be with Cupcakes

In a brilliant experiment, Thrillist's Lee Breslouer decided to see if he had as much of a chance with women as a cupcake. He created a Tinder profile for a cupcake named Connor and started cruising for chicks. If you don’t use Tinder, it’s an app that is sort of an elevated version of Hot or Not. You log on to your profile and receive pictures of other people in the area who might be a match for you. Then you swipe one way if you like them, the other way if you do not. It is superficial judgment at its finest. At least a dozen women actually engaged and chatted with Breslouer’s Connor cupcake and he readily admits it is more attention than he has ever gotten on any dating website. It proves once and for all that when it comes to women, we men will always be a distant second to dessert.

Black Belt for the Red-Headed Stranger

Willie Nelson turned 81 on Wednesday, which was not nearly as exciting as what happened to him on Tuesday. He received a 5th degree black belt in the martial art of Gong Kwon Yu Sul in Austin, Texas where he has been practicing for two decades. The Korean martial art, which is still relatively new (it was invented in the mid 90’s) is a mix of groundwork and boxing. According to his Grand Master Sam Um, Willie can hold his own against all comers even as an octogenarian. His ability to beat the bejesus out of anyone who messes with him undoubtedly contributed to the quick return of his beloved armadillo mascot after it was stolen last month. But that’s another story.

Sriracha Soap Opera Continues

After declaring the factory that produces Sriracha a public nuisance, the Irwindale city council took a step back and pushed the official vote on that declaration to May 14. The company and the city are trying to reach an amicable solution that won’t result in the factory being forced to shutter its doors or move elsewhere. Even if that happens though hot sauce lovers shouldn’t fear. According to Huy Fong Foods, the company that makes Sriracha, it already has two dozen offers from cities hoping the rooster will relocate, including one from Denton, TX whose representatives were reportedly invited to the factory.

How Did Those Crab Legs Get in There?

Heisman Trophy winner and NCAA football champion Jameis Winston was cited for stealing $32.72 worth of crab legs from a local supermarket in Florida Tuesday night. College kids do stupid things sometimes but one would think that after being investigated for the much more serious crime of sexual assault over the winter, Winston might be on his best behavior. The handling of that case by both the Tallahassee police department and Florida State University is currently under an investigation of its own for possible misconduct. Winston claims the ordeal with the crab legs was a mistake.

Helping the Clippers Belong to Us All

Following LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling’s racist rant and subsequent lifetime ban from the NBA, a couple of fans are trying to transform the Clippers into a non-profit. As rumors started to swirl that everyone from Oprah to Diddy was interested in buying the LA team, Tim Nguyen and Russell Curry began a crowd funding campaign using Crowdtilt to raise $600 million in order to buy the team and turn it into a 501(c)(3). There are a number of joke attempts at crowd funding to buy the Clippers, but these two seem pretty genuine. Will it work? It’s not incredibly likely, but they have raised almost $40,000 in just two days.