Look, we run a family website here, so there is no place for the vulgarity of 50 Shades of Grey on our pages. There is however, always room for kale. We had a sneaking suspicion that everyone’s favorite healthy green would fit brilliantly inside Christian’s red room alongside the ball gags and whips. So we took a video camera over to The Meatball Shop in Williamsburg, where some of our favorite good sports—owners Daniel Holzman and Michael Chernow—gave us their best Ms. Steele and Mr. Grey for this totally (mostly) SFW reading of 50 Shades.

Despite expected sales of $60 million at the box office this weekend, the movie version opened to some less than stellar reviews. We think it probably didn’t have enough vitamin K. Let’s fix that. In the FWx version, a Meatballer's life changes forever when he meets handsome, yet tormented, business partner.