By Noah Kaufman
Updated March 13, 2014
He's not just the president, he's also a client
| Credit: Matthias Tunger

Every week by this point you have undoubtedly spent nearly 100 percent of your time online watching videos of cats riding vacuum cleaners and finding out which character from Blossom you really are. Meanwhile, the world has been going on without you. Here are some things you missed while you were buried in the Internet:

Beard transplants

Are you an unfortunate hairless man living in Brooklyn, Portland or Amish country? Today is your lucky day. Facial hair transplants are on the rise and they are becoming commonplace enough that you may be able to find one in your community.

They don’t come cheap though. In New York it can cost up to $7,000 to pull hair from the back of your head and stick it on your face, so right now the procedure is more for the “bohemians” whose parents bought them lofts in Williamsburg--the nice part of Williamsburg, not that Bushwick adjacent nonsense.

Jeopardy! Champ Defeated

If you aren’t home in the late afternoon every day, you may have missed one of the most successful and controversial Jeopardy! champions ever. Arthur Chu, whose website lists him as a “voiceover artist” and “genius,” riled Jeopardy! viewers all over the country by jumping from category to category trying to find daily doubles on his way to winning $300,000. It might not sound like much, but trust us, it’s a big middle finger to the Jeopardy!–industrial complex. Happily for all the Jeopardy! purists out there, Chu went down this week to a former synchronized swimmer from William & Mary college, finishing with zero dollars. Our national nightmare is over.

Amazon Prime Price Bump

Free two-day shipping, unlimited streaming of Wings and all for only $79? It was, unfortunately, too good to be true. If you’ve been enjoying all of the benefits of Amazon Prime you’ll have to get ready to dig a little deeper into your wallet. Amazon bumped the price of a Prime membership to $99 this week, blaming higher fuel and shipping costs.

The Pope’s One-Year Anniversary

With a puff of white smoke from a chimney in the Vatican exactly one year ago today, Jorge Mario Bergoglio became Pope Francis and quickly firmed up his reputation as the cool Pope. He’s the kind of Pope who knows you’re going to drink, so he’d rather have you do it at his house. Like him or not, he’s had a big first year decrying the church’s focus on social issues, announcing his problems with laissez-faire capitalism and doing his best to live a humble life. Will any of it change how the Vatican operates? We don’t know, but we do know the Popemobile qua ’84 Renault is awesome.

Get Sad, Eat Healthy

It turns out all of those TV shows and movies showing women eating entire gallons of ice cream after getting dumped are nothing but a pack of lies! According to a new study from the University of Miami, when people are happy and then made to feel sad they are less likely to indulge in junk food. We’re not buying it though. Every time we watch Marley & Me we eat half a sleeve of Oreos.