It's always a great idea to be on the good side of people who are responsible for your comfort and safety on a plane.
| Credit: © Stephen Barnes/Air Travel / Alamy

I think we can all agree that hearing about someone's awful flight is terrible, so consider that flight attendants basically do that for a living, all day, every day, in a vest.

It's always a great idea to be on the good side of people who are responsible for your comfort and safety on a plane. This is true even if you're in the small minority of people who don't realize that air travel is just as solid an excuse for getting extremely day-drunk as being unexpectedly fired.

Here are a couple of tips for making sure your flight attendant doesn't want to open the exit hatch and throw you out in midair, although that is technically impossible to do, because of physics.

1. Nobody ever pays attention to the safety demonstration. This probably hurts. Why not get super into it? Rhythmic clapping or a well-timed wolf whistle will let them know they're not just informing, they're entertaining.

2. Flight attendants don't want to keep running up and down the aisles to bring you things. Be sure to ask for all of the things you want at once. If it helps, make a list of your anticipated needs on a piece of paper and present it at the beginning of the flight.

3. Try wearing something with gold buttons, and a cravat. That way, when your flight attendant comes by, you can say, "Hey, look! Twins."

4. Flight attendants have heard pretty much every old chestnut about airline food. Why not try physical comedy instead? You've got that dressing packet, get creative.

5. A flight attendant once told me that nothing irritated him more than people who had awful music blasting from their headphones. When blasting music from you headphones, try to play only cool and interesting stuff that people haven't heard before, like world music.

6. A lot of people complain about having to pay for snacks on airplanes nowadays. If you hear someone doing this, remind them that on their journey, Lewis and Clark were forced to eat dogs that they'd considered companions. It's not strictly relevant or historically accurate, but it sure will make them think twice about talking to you, or anybody else.

7. Sometimes, it's nice to hear you're doing a great job. Be sure to ring your call button frequently, even if it's just to give them a hearty thumbs-up or to say, "Just wanted to tell you you're doing a great job... again."