By Noah Kaufman
Updated April 11, 2014
© iStockphoto

Passover begins on Monday night, kickstarting an entire week of unleavened delights for Jewish people all over the world. But it could be worse. There are some good things about having to eat matzoh for a week. Or at least that’s what we keep trying to tell ourselves.

It’s a really effective weight loss regimen.

We have certain family members who have lost close to ten pounds over Passover. It’s like a less pleasant juice cleanse.

They cover it in candy now.

We did not have this growing up (if it turns out that our parents just chose not to tell us about it, we will be very unhappy). But if you are a parent whose children won’t stop complaining about eating matzoh or a child whose parents won’t stop complaining about eating matzoh, just give them some of this and it will shut them up.

It makes the other 51 weeks of the year that much better.

Have you ever heard someone who had a near death experience say that afterwards food tastes better, air smells cleaner and colors look more vibrant? The day after Passover ends is very similar.

The artisans have finally gotten a hold of it.

These guys up in Vermont are making matzoh out of ancient grains. Even if it still tastes like matzoh at least you can feel cool eating it.

It still comes in ball form.

Let’s face facts: This is really the only suitable way to eat it.

It gives you an excuse to be cranky all week.

It’s not your fault you’re yelling at people all the time. You’re subsisting on 900 calories a day of crackers while Gentiles eat enough multi-colored Easter candy to give all the bunnies of the world type-2 diabetes.

It’s an adventure.

Fact: No one in history has ever finished all the matzoh they bought for Passover. All the leftover boxes sit gathering dust in the pantry for years. Will it ever go bad? How will you know? Every time you put matzoh in your mouth you are venturing into the food unknown. If you think about, there aren’t that many differences between you and an astronaut.