By Noah Kaufman
Updated June 04, 2014
Credit: istockphoto

In yesterday’s New York Times op-ed, typically straight-laced and serious Pulitzer Prize winner Maureen Dowd took on a topic that is a bit out of her wheelhouse: pot edibles. She ate, perhaps for the first time, a THC–laced candy bar and the results were a bit over the top. The point of the article is that we need to be careful how marijuana edibles are labeled and dosed, which is certainly true.

Unfortunately, that point is totally obscured by the fact that she describes a bad trip that belongs in that terrible Cheech and Chong movie you accidently watched at 2 a.m.

She made the classic mistake of expecting immediate effects.

Sitting in my hotel room in Denver, I nibbled off the end and then, when nothing happened, nibbled some more.

Then touching everything started to feel good.

“I strained to remember where I was or even what I was wearing, touching my green corduroy jeans…”

And then, of course, the paranoia set in.

“[I was sure] that when the room-service waiter knocked and I didn’t answer, he’d call the police and have me arrested for being unable to handle my candy

And then the paranoia got worse.

“I became convinced that I had died and no one was telling me.”

Of course, it turns out the problem was she didn’t know she was getting primo, powerful stuff.

“A medical consultant at an edibles plant where I was conducting an interview mentioned that candy bars like that are supposed to be cut into 16 pieces for novices”

If she ever diverges from her incredible writing career, she’ll definitely have a future playing the “cool mom” in a teen comedy.