By Adam Campbell-Schmitt
Updated July 04, 2016
Advertisement
© Underwood Archives/Getty Images

Independence Day is all about celebrating our freedom. But while we exercise our liberty this July 4th, we also need to protect ourselves from overdoing it whooping it up for America. Most of these should be pretty self-explanatory but hey, we know some people just can’t handle the responsibility of taking patriotic pride in their country without taking a few innocent bystanders out with them. Here’s a list of dos and don’ts for this (and any) 4th of July that every American should consider.

Do: Enjoy fireworks.

Don't: Eat fireworks.

Do: Wear a patriotic outfit.

Don't: Wear nothing but an American flag.

Do: Fire up the bbq.

Don't: Spark a political debate with your uncle.

Do: Shuck corn for the family.

Don't: Shame corn for being phallic.

Do: Go for a dip in the pool.

Don't: Dip your fingers in the guacamole.

Do: Listen to John Phillips Sousa.

Don't: Watch a Jon Lovtiz sex tape (thankfully they don't exist).

Do: Sing along to “God Bless the USA."

Don’t: Dive into the rest of Lee Greenwood’s catalogue. (Trust me.)

Do: Eat burgers and hot dogs.

Don't: Do your Joey Chestnut impression.

Do: Bring a potato salad to share.

Don't: Share photos of that weird potato-shaped skin thing you had last month.

Do: Have a couple of beers.

Don't: Have a couple invite you to "explore the meaning of freedom" with them after a few beers.

Do: Make a king-sized ice cream sundae.

Don’t: Declare yourself king. (Not today.)

Do: Light some sparklers.

Don't: Set fire to national park.

Do: Celebrate with friends.

Don't: Sell Herbalife to friends.

Do: Slice up a watermelon.

Don’t: Cut a bitch.