©Eleanor Bentall
Noah Kaufman
Updated April 29, 2014

On Saturday at 4 p.m. ET, the most exciting two minutes in sports take place at Churchill Downs in Louisville. Two dozen horses will be screaming around the track for a mile and a quarter, but the Kentucky Derby is so much more than just a race. It is an excuse for people to party at the track all day, and marks the only time the place is not exclusively full of people losing all of their money.

But even if you aren’t in Kentucky, you may well be at a Derby party of your own. And when you put on your best seersucker and head out, here’s who you will definitely be spending time with.

The Gambler

He actually bets on races besides this one and doesn’t pick horses based on their names.

The Hat

Some people dress up for Derby parties. Some people really dress up. The Hat never got to be a debutante, so this is her big day.

The One Who Claims to Be from the South

Technically that means the DC suburbs, but that doesn’t stop you from hearing about sweet tea for 40 minutes.

The Horse Fan

Yes, we know, they are such beautiful animals. Oh, you ride on the weekends? No, we never did see that horse show on HBO. Please, tell us what happened.

The Post-College Frat Guy

He’s 28 with a popped collar. Time to give it a rest, Trevor.

The Julep Drinker

She has spent all year perfecting the ratio of mint to bourbon and she crushes her own ice with a hammer. She’s having eight juleps today and you’re not going to stop her.

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