Imagine a world without job interviews. It's a pleasant but impossible concept, like a kitten capable of laughter. What would such a world be like? Probably there would be fewer Internet lists about things not to do on your job interview. But you're in the real world, where you need a job, and the usual gateway to that is meeting a stranger whom you must charm and impress. Don't scotch your chances for that offer by committing any of the common interview gaffes listed below!
1. When the interviewer notes that you are running 15 minutes late, don't say, "Oh, am I?" before emerging from the giant office planter or from underneath the lampshade where you were the whole time!
2. Show a lot of interest in the company's benefits and health insurance coverage, specifically related to preexisting conditions.
3. Come in smelling like the lobby of another company.
4. Keep mentioning how you'd note that in your smartphone but you can't because you don't have a job and can't afford one. Follow this with a yearning look every time the interviewer glances at his or her device.
5. Warn the interviewer that a bad outcome here could cost them a star on your Yelp review of the company.
6. Look the interviewer intently and directly in the eyes the whole time without speaking. If the interviewer looks away, blinks or says anything, then shout, "I win!"
7. Begin the interview by spinning around with your arms raised stating, "As you can see, I'm completely unarmed."
8. Answer all your questions to the tune of "Kryptonite," by 3 Doors Down.
9. Ask the receptionist which desk is the sex desk.
10. Before the interview is scheduled, go ahead and send that bullshit thank-you email.
11. Show up wearing the exact same outfit as the interviewer. Also have the same shoes, haircut and framed family photo.
12. Fall asleep while shaking hands with your interviewer.
13. Instead of bringing a folder with résumés or other pertinent documents, bring a bucket of sand. If the interviewer asks why you don't have your résumés with you, point and exclaim, "Do you have any idea how heavy this is!?"
14. Bad-mouth your former employer while adding the caveat that all that animosity and the bad experiences made for some stellar make-up sex.
15. At the end of the interview, if you are allowed to ask questions, ask, "Did I get the job?" Then laugh. Then ask, "No seriously, did I get the job?"
16. Go in for the kiss.
Reveal your interview gaffes on Twitter using #FWx and @foodandwine.