How bad can a summer reunion be? I mean, high school was pretty great, right? Yeah, well, you’re going! There will be canapés. Anyway, here are a few handy tips on how to get through three-plus hours of ’90s dance hits and constant reminders that you’re actively losing bone density.
1. Make every conversation about the subjects you actually learned in class with these people. Bonus points if you can actually hold a conversation with anyone from your physics class about actual physics.
2. Bring a pair of black slacks, a black shirt and an apron. That way if things go bad you can disguise yourself as a caterer.
3. Drink lots and lots.
4. Send everyone off on the hunt for items for the big Reunion Scavenger Hunt! Of course, only you know that there is no scavenger hunt. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!
5. Walk up to each person who comes in and say that you always loved them and still do, then walk away. That should pass the time pretty quickly.
6. Find the person who got the fattest and spend the next three hours relieved it wasn’t you. If you are the fattest, then go back to the snack table for more cake. Screw it.
7. For the easiest night of conversation ever, find the people who have kids and ask them about their kids. Conceivably, your response to everything they say could be, “Yeah, you have kids. That’s crazy!”
8. Volunteer to be the sacrificial “biggest failure” at the party. Most of this event is just an opportunity for adults to prove to their peers that they are not the least-successful member of their graduating class and that everything is going great. Just let everyone know early on that there is no need for the entire contest in the first place, because you are already at the rock bottom of the accomplishment totem pole. Whatever the truth is, it will save everyone a whole lot of time otherwise spent desperately boasting.
9. Wear the name tag of someone more popular or intimidating. If somebody calls you out on it, claim that people change and sometimes they change into you.
10. Carrie someone. Or The Rage: Carrie 2 someone.
11. Bring along veteran character actor Jeffrey Tambor as your plus one and just spend the whole time talking with Jeff and eating canapés. If you don’t have a preexisting relationship with him, you should probably just stay home.