Black Friday for candy makers is four days away and kids everywhere are looking forward to filling their plastic pumpkins or staining their pillowcases brown with chocolate. The rest of us are looking forward to the leftover candy we get to eat when it’s all over. But as you know, Halloween candies were not created equal. So here are your candy options in order. If you are a candy and you didn’t make this list it is because when I was trick or treating I never tried to trade you or trade for you. Come back next year when you’re more memorable.
18. Unlabeled Hard Candy
The staple of the odd cat woman who lives at the end of block. You don’t know how old it is, what flavor it will be or if it is actually poison. The only thing that’s for certain is that it will be almost impossible to get out of the wrapper.
17. Candy Corn
Yes, it is cliché to say candy corn is terrible, but to say anything else is just revisionist history. It tastes like nothing, it hurts your teeth and makes every kid in the neighborhood hate you for giving it out.
Not a candy. Still better than candy corn.
15. Now and Later
Just stale Starburst.
14. Halloween Peeps
They didn’t need to start making these year round, but take note people who make Brach’s mixed candy, if you’re going to compress sugar into a shape and feed it to children, marshmallows are a much better way to go.
13. Junior Mints
Not just a movie theater candy, they’re Halloween worthy. And because they’re generally underappreciated you’ll definitely have a lot of them leftover at the end of the night to eat.
12. Tiny Bags of M&M’s
Why aren’t they bigger? M&M’s are best eaten by the handful and the Halloween version is one handful tops.
[See Now and Later]
10. Laffy Taffy
For some reason Laffy Taffy always tastes better around Halloween. I can’t prove it, but I think the Wonka company only makes one batch a year and it's always fresh in October.
9. Gummy Stuff
If it’s sour gummy stuff it jumps up another 3 places.
There are few finer feelings than a mouthful of Nerds and all the different, unidentifiable bursts of flavor that comes with it.
7. Assorted Little Chocolate Bars
Taken together they have something for everyone. Some of you probably don’t want to lump a dark chocolate Hershey in with Mr. Goodbar and Krackel, but then maybe they shouldn’t be associating together in the same bag. Did you ever think of that?
6. Milky Way
A very good candy bar to be sure, but still sort of a JV Snickers. With no peanuts to balance it out you can get over-nougated.
5. Kit Kat
I can’t be the only person who ate Kit Kats from top to bottom right? Pulling off single layers of chocolate and wafer is the single best way to eat a candy bar.
4. Peanut Butter Cups
Now we’re into the heavy hitters. Were they not so melty peanut butter cups would probably take the top spot. Just start popping them in the freezer now.
The point of Twix is that they come together. The single, baby Twix that ends you get in your Halloween basket is just taunting you.
You will lose all your teeth eating them, but it is totally worth it.
The Snickers is almost the perfect candy bar. If God ate candy bars they would be layers of nougat, peanut and caramel. I’m pretty sure it’s somewhere in a lesser chapter of Numbers.