Food Predictions That Probably Won't Come True in 2016
It's been a wonderful and weird year for food, with everything from Oreo churros to black-bunned burgers to feuding TV chefs. So what will 2016 have in store? It's hard to say, but even as strange and far-fetched as the food scene can get we're pretty sure you aren't going to see any of these stories popping up in the new year.
• GMOs will no longer cause controversy after Monsanto scientists figure out how to engineer soy beans that suppress concern.
• Food substitute Soylent will be acquired by PepsiCo. Mountain Dew Protein Blast becomes the official nourishment of gamers everywhere.
• Keurig will open a chain of single-use coffee shops. Once you've purchased your beverage, the entire store is thrown into a landfill and replaced with a fresh facade for the next customer.
• In a Long Island food blogger exposé, it will be revealed that Ina Garten has just been reheating Costco dinners for the past three years. Garten defends her actions, saying "Jeffrey doesn't even notice the difference."
• The newly merged SABMiller & Anheuser-Busch InBev will purchase the word "beer" causing thousands of craft brewers to go out of business.
• Danny Meyer will be caught slipping a fiver to a waiter while dining at Gramercy Tavern. "It's not a tip, I just… lost a bet! Yeah, that's it!" he insists.
• Guy Fieri will be outed as vegan. "I've spit out almost every epic and mega thing I've ever tasted on Triple D," a teary-eyed Fieri confesses. "I hereby resign as mayor of Flavortown."
• The world's slowest slow-food restaurant will start taking reservations, with a one year waiting period so that wheat can be planted, harvested and milled for the free basket of bread.
• Inauthentic will become the new authentic. Food-lovers will come appreciate the creative and innovative ways they can be duped by chefs and artisans, such as "Pepperidge Farm-fresh" cookies, "hand-touched" vegetables, "smallish batch" bourbon and "locally sourced" coffee from the corner 7-Eleven.
• Instagram will allow users to flag photos of food that don't look particularly delicious.
• Seamless adds predictive ordering, which will auto-deliver pizza and ice cream when your phone receives a break-up text.
• Cleansr will become the first dating app to match users up with people who are on the same fad diet.
In & Out:
Out: Food Trucks
In: Candy Cranes
In: Taco Bell's Fourth Meal
Out: Cruelty-free Eggs
In: Grass-fed Kale
Out: Food Porn
In: Food Smut