By Chris Mah
June 22, 2017
© MIXA / Alamy

These are good days for beer lovers. With more than 3,500 breweries operating across the country, it seems like every major city has at least a handful of bars dedicated to frothy suds. Now that you’ve decided to take the next step and open your own beer bar, here are some tips to help your watering hole stay afloat.

 1. Names matter. Choose a name that is some combination of two unrelated nouns joined by an ampersand. One of the nouns should be an animal. For instance, The Blister & Hippo. Alternatively, your new bar name could be any combination of The followed by an adjective and the word Fiddler.

 2. Your bartenders must all have facial hair, even the female ones. If facial hair is not an option, then they must instead have gauge piercings in each ear so large you could throw a softball through them. All staff members should be trained to roll their eyes condescendingly if anyone orders a Heineken.

 3. The appropriate number of taps is one more than the next most popular beer bar in town. Do you really need 19 IPAs on draft, even if one is pouring through a line that hasn’t been cleaned since June? You bet, because The Scab & Tiger down the block has 18.

 4. Your bottle list should be incomprehensible to anyone who doesn’t speak Flemish. It should also be so lengthy that it requires binding. Between one and three of those bottles must exceed $100.

 5. Upgrade your pub fare. No one wants to drink Brasserie Cantillon’s classic Gueuze with stale Rold Golds. Give your popcorn an upgrade with truffle salt, truffle butter or huge chunks of raw truffle. Rebrand your fries as frites.

 6. Use proper glassware. The only thing that beer geeks hate more than being served a bad beer is being served a great beer in the wrong glass. If you want to see a beer geek throw a tantrum, serve him or her a stout in a Pilsner glass. Make sure your staff can tell a tulip from a dimple mug. Bonus points if they can master the pronunciation of Spiegelau.Related: The Story Behind Dogfish Head's Latest Musically Inspired Beer 
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