By Chris Mah
Updated January 08, 2020
Clockwise from Top Left: © Splash News / Corbis; © Bryan Smith/ZUMA Press/Corbis; © Chris Gordon; © Michael Turek

You are what you eat, or at least whoever’s food you’d eat. Here’s what your favorite celebrity chef says about you.

Alton Brown: As a homeschooled only child from rural Indiana, you entertained yourself by building a functioning bicycle out of nothing but Legos. When you’re not finishing your morning sudoku puzzle in pen, you’re reenacting episodes of The Big Bang Theory by memory with your Mensa friends. You are currently building a machine that prevents bananas from browning.

Gordon Ramsay: Due to some colossal disappointment from your childhood, you can no longer feel empathy or enjoy food prepared by anyone other than yourself. When you dine out, you send back the menu and demand for it to be written in a nicer font. Customer service people tell horror stories about you. The last bedtime story you read to your child was Chapter 17 of Machiavelli’s The Prince.

Giada De Laurentiis: Despite keeping your Craftsman-style home spotless and writing a popular blog on minimalist design, you somehow find the time to brush your impeccably perfect teeth 12 times a day. You are incapable of frowning. You throw the best dinner parties, largely because you make killer Swedish meatballs, and your children all graduated at the top of their etiquette school classes. Did I mention that your teeth are unbelievably clean?

Guy Fieri: For Valentine’s Day, you bought your girlfriend a king-size Snickers bar and took her to a romantic candlelight dinner at Olive Garden. When she got cold walking back to your vintage 1968 Ford Mustang, you gave her your denim jacket with a giant eagle emblazoned on the back. Your friends hate watching movies with you because you blurt out the quotable lines before they happen and then laugh hysterically to yourself. You know exactly one song on the guitar—“What I Got,” by Sublime—which you play at every available opportunity.

Rachael Ray: You’re a working mom with three kids, 17 rescue dogs and not enough time in your day. Either that, or you’re a bored, single, twenty-something dude with no social life and a soft spot for women who speak only in cutesy abbreviations. You’re just as happy eating hot wings as sushi, and you never met a carb you didn’t like. In between dropping the kids off at soccer practice and cleaning up the house for your husband’s fantasy football draft party, you still found the time to peel, chop and measure a week’s worth of dinner ingredients and down two glasses of Pinot to take the edge off. Deeeelish.

Jamie Oliver: You’re an all-around decent lad who volunteers at the animal shelter but isn’t too proper to enjoy a pint or four with his mates after work. You think that whole grains are lovely, lean meats are lovely, fresh vegetables are lovely and pretty much anything labeled “heirloom” is also lovely. You do not think Gordon Ramsay is lovely.