By Noah Kaufman
Updated May 05, 2014
© AF archive / Alamy

After a four-year hiatus, 24 makes its triumphant return to prime time tonight at 8, on Fox. When we last saw super agent and man purse carrier Jack Bauer, he was fleeing the country to avoid almost certain death at the hands of Russian and American forces. The premiere of 24: Live Another Day will almost certainly put us on the brink of World War III once again, so you don’t want to take on the stress without a stiff drink in your hand. Here, some guidelines for imbibing while you watch.

Drink a toast to old Jack if he ever acts his age. Including this season, 24 has had 10 different American presidents. The math involved with having that many presidents should definitely put Jack on social security.

This season takes place in London, swallow your laughter and take a drink if Jack has to put on a British accent to blend in. “Take me up in the lift and bring me a crumpet, dammit!”

Take a small sip whenever Jack says “dammit.” Don’t make it too big, you’ll be drunk in no time.

Take a drink and give a standing ovation if Chloe displays an emotion. She was so close at the end of last season when Jack was leaving her forever. She’ll definitely be weepy when he shows up again.

Finish your drink immediately if you bring up the fact that no one goes to the bathroom in this show. Sometimes when you’re fighting to save the world from terrorists you can just hold it.

Start drinking whenever you hear that special 24 ringtone and keep drinking until someone answers the bloody phone. Besides Jack and a ticking clock, the only thing in every season of 24 is this ringtone.

Whenever Jack pulls out exactly what he needs from his bag, take a drink. Jack without that bag is like Sampson without his hair. Weak and less fashionable.

Take a shot every time there’s a double cross. This is the first episode, so there will probably be only three or four.

Recommended beverages:

A good stiff whiskey—straight. You should make it the kind you would drink if every day of your life involved killing dozens of terrorists and abandoning your friends, family and everyone you love.