By Noah Kaufman
Updated April 07, 2014
© iStockphoto

You love to cook. Your special someone does not. So you’ve decided that the best way to bond and open new horizons in your relationship is to get your hands dirty together in the kitchen. You’ll learn which foods count as aphrodisiacs, the most sensual way to pound meat tender and, of course, the proper way to go all Patrick Swayze in Ghost on your partner as you chop herbs together. This could be a chance to not only get closer to your boo, but if you finesse it just right you may actually get him or her to start cooking so you don’t have to do it all the time. Don’t screw it up.


Start dropping the names of every celebrity chef you know.

You know what’s a good way to alienate your teacher and your significant other? Make it seem like you’d rather be spending the afternoon with Emeril.

Keep asking about where they source their produce.

You’re learning how to make a fennel salad, not opening a restaurant with these people. Chill out and just assume this cooking school isn’t a subsidiary of Monsanto.

Constantly give the instructor advice.

Who’s getting paid 200 bucks here? Oh, it’s not you? Everyone who teaches classes like this has a box of special ingredients for people like you, and that box is mostly full of expired dairy products.

Start any sentence with, “What you want to do is…”

A mistake the person who gives the instructor advice also makes. There’s a reason your partner doesn’t cook and that reason might have to do with your supposed expertise. Not only will he or she not come out of this wanting to cook, but there is a 145 percent chance that you’ll whiff on the secondary goal of getting into the bedroom after this thing is over.

Go looking on Craigslist for a deal.

Didn’t the movie Taken begin with Liam Neeson’s daughter taking a Craigslist cooking class? I’m pretty sure it did.

Sign up for class without finding out what the teacher looks like.

When it turns out that not only can this person cook, but also only does it in between modeling gigs, you’ll be sorry. Imagine if your significant other had a hot personal trainer. Now imagine that personal trainer could also make an incredibly moist lava cake. (I am almost positive the “moist lava cake” is also a sexual position.)

Pick any class that doesn’t come with wine.

Duh. They should start offering wine in other classes, too. Like calculus.

If your sweetheart still doesn’t like to cook after this, you might have to find something else to share. I hear there’s a Groupon for couples’ paintballing.