The Gwyneth Paltrow-birthed lifestyle brand Goop has a history of promoting that is…let’s just say not attainable by most of us ($8,300 yurt anyone?) But this week comes news that Goop will be holding its first-ever one-day “wellness summit,” called In Goop Health—and the whole thing is just so Goopy, it feels almost like self-parody.
First, the event, which will be held on June 10 from 9am to 6pm in Los Angeles, is incredibly and, for many, prohibitively expensive. The cheapest pass, Lapis, is $500. Granted, that includes all-day food and drinks, as well as an “adult goody bag, filled with $200 of products we love”; but for a brand that can feels out-of-touch with average people, that price tag simply reinforces existing stereotypes. Plus, the numbers only get glitzier from there: The Amethyst ticket costs $1,000, and the top tier Clear Quartz ticket is $1,500.
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So what do you get for your investment of more than a week’s worth of California minimum wage? “In goop Health brings our most requested and shared wellness content to life,” Goop explains on the event page. “Over the course of one intensive (but fun) day, we’ll gather for a series of panels, keynotes, and restorative interactive sessions from the health-defining doctors and experts we rely on at goop. We’ll be addressing everything from gut imbalances to sexual health, and you’ll also get exclusive access to a market lined with clean beauty products, incredible food companies, and wellness goods (complimentary swag included).” Yes, included in the price of admission will be a chance to spend more money buying products in the Goop hall.
But the Goop hall isn’t just your chance to continue to drain your pocketbook: Patrons can also “jump into a number of different guru-led wellness sessions.” These sessions include things like “crystal therapy,” “aura photography” and an “I.V. drip.” If you’ve upgraded to the Amethyst or Clear Quartz level, you’ll have other opportunities as well—like “the foam rolling physique.” For those left scratching their heads, “Fascia expert Lauren Roxburgh takes you through a revitalizing roller routine designed to flush toxins from the lymphatic system, reduce pain, and diminish cellulite—while lengthening and toning the body.”
As for those previously mentioned panels and keynotes, specific details don’t appear to be anywhere on Goop’s site. Instead, a section promotes “The Talent,” listing off the big names who will be there—doctors, writers, Nicole Richie and, of course, Gwyneth herself. If you paid for the top two ticket tiers, you’ll even get to see the talent in events like a cocktail reception.
So at this point, it seems like the only question left is “What is everyone wearing?” According to the FAQs page, “Some form of athleisure attire likely makes the most sense, particularly if you’re going to participate in activities like foam rolling (not really conducive to LBD’s).” On Goop’s site, the words “athleisure attire” actually link to the Workout section of the Goop store where the cheapest thing you can buy is a $16 pair of socks. At this point we all may be too Gooped out to attend.