This piece originally appeared on Refinery29.com.
Whether your relationship is in the exciting lavish-gifts and loving-declarations phase, or the comfortably long-term, "mumbling at each other while you watch your shows" phase, you should know Valentine's Day is fast approaching. And with it, the attendant pressure of getting him or her something that truly expresses your feelings, your everlasting desire, and your hopes for the future.
Just to be clear: The gifts ahead won't accomplish those things at all. They're weird and crappy, and sometimes borderline offensive (looking at you, "hilarious" chocolate scale and crack-flaunting cutout panties). Avoid gifts like these and you're already halfway to a successful V-Day. Your anti-shopping guide awaits.