Of Course Guy Fieri and Ted Cruz Erotic Fan Fiction Is on the Internet
If you’ve ever dreamt about how an erotic tryst between celebrity chef Guy Fieri and former Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz might go down, you can finally stop penning that romantic work of fiction in your brain. Someone has written it down for you.
Over the weekend, writer Lana Adler posted “Frosted Tips” on her Tumblr, a self-described piece of “erotic fanfic written in around an hour by myself and my good friend/smut muse” Talia Lavin (who previously had her 15 minutes of fame for answering “What is the love ballad of Turd Ferguson” during Final Jeopardy). If you happened to be at New York City’s Carmine Street Comics on Friday, you even would have had the pleasure of hearing the authors read their piece as part of the “Carmine Street After Dark” series where writers/comedians/smut muses can share erotic fan fiction they’ve written or stumbled upon.
But enough backstory. Let’s get into the alarming 800 words themselves. The story plays out with Cruz, while wandering through Times Square, deciding to hit up Fieri’s restaurant. There, he meets the celebrity chef himself:
“Hi, I’m Guy Fierri," he said, rolling the consonant sensually and not at all obnoxiously over his wet, narrow sea worm of a tongue. "Welcome to Flavor Town, my man." Cruz licked his thin, disquieting lips, attempting to dislodge the white ooze that had congealed there in his panic.
Actually, you know what, I’ll leave it up to you just how deeply you want to dive into all of this. You may want to try to eat something later today, and oddly enough, for something that involves a celebrity chef, reading “Frosted Tips” is likely to leave you very sick to your stomach.