9 Ways to Ruin the Fourth of July

By Noah Kaufman |

If you brought your dog to the BBQ looking like this, just go home now. © iStockphoto

With the 4th of July only a few days away, people are prepping their grills, ironing their flags and buying their illegal fireworks. Chances are that you'll be attending an outdoor eating/drinking/exploding event of one sort or another on Friday and you don’t want to be the party-goer who makes everyone think maybe this isn’t such a great country after all. It’s alright to love your country, but avoid these Independence Day pitfalls at all costs.


1. Pour one out for every president this great country has lost over the years.

You'll be out of beer by William Henry Harrison.

2. Break out your dubstep remixes of John Phillip Sousa

Skrillex does a killer "Stars and Stripes Forever."

3. Hand out explosives to the kids because you’re the “cool uncle.”

Nevermind that you don’t have any nephews. Or any siblings. Who are these kids you’re giving firecrackers to anyway?

4. When the national anthem starts playing, ask if someone can Shazam it for you.

We know, the name is on the tip of your tongue.

5. Three words: American flag mankini.

Three more: Doesn’t fit right.

6. Shush everyone during the fireworks because you want to hear the nuance.

The difference between the big boomers and the whistlers is vastly underappreciated.

7. Whenever someone sneezes, say God bless you and God bless the United States of America.

Though it might get you elected one day.

8. When you’re eating your burger, tell the chef “this isn’t how Washington would have made it.”

Clearly not, since the meat grinder wasn’t invented until the 1800s. GW was probably more of a veggie burger guy.

9. Suggest trying a new independence day next year.

Maybe Chilean—it’s in September, which is much more temperate than July.

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