7 Things that Will Take Less Time than Watching the Simpsons Marathon

By Noah Kaufman |


Beginning today and lasting a monumental 12 days, FXX is airing every episode of The Simpsons ever made in the longest single-series marathon in the history of television. If you are particularly diligent you may be in front of the TV right now, already having called into work and told your boss you’ve come down with a mysterious 288-hour bug or that you plan to have a cousin’s funeral every day for the next two weeks. If you need a break from Springfield, here are a few other activities you can take part in before coming back for more. 

1. Climb Mount Kilimanjaro

It typically takes just five to nine days to scale Africa’s tallest mountain. You could be up and down and back on your couch in time to watch the “Stonecutter” episode from season 6.

2. Learn basic Cantonese

You can blow the first level of Rosetta Stone Chinese in fewer than 50 hours. At that point on FXX they will have barely scratched the surface of Marge’s brooding dark side.

3. Run the Boston Marathon route 70 times

The average time for last year’s marathon was four hours and three minutes. That means that you could go from Hopkinton to Boylston Street almost six-dozen times, with enough hours left to watch some episodes from the lesser late seasons.   

4. Beat every Grand Theft Auto game

You might look terrible after it’s over and you’ll probably hate yourself, but a real gamer could get through each of the five GTA sagas in less than 48 hours apiece. Just peel yourself off the couch long enough to eat something.

5. Travel across our solar system, if you are a light particle

It takes light barely five hours to get from Pluto all the way to the sun. That’s shorter than a Grandpa Simpson war story.

6. Read the entire US tax code

At more than 4 million words, the American tax code is one of the world’s longest. But industrious readers (and ones who don’t take a break) should be able to get through it in about six days. You almost certainly won’t understand it, but that doesn’t matter. Anything you need to know about it, just ask Flanders.

7. Gestate and birth an opossum

If you’re an expectant opossum mother, you’ll be right up against it as far as getting that baby out before the marathon is over. It will take about 12 days to go from conception to birth. We assume you’ll DVR the episodes though. Opossums get cable, right?

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