Famous Food Pairs Announce Breakups

By Adam Campbell-Schmitt |

It's hard to believe, but Miss Piggy and Kermit are splitting up. Here's the very upsetting statement:

The two seemed meant for each other, like peanut butter and jelly, like milk and cookies, like spaghetti and meatballs… So since nothing is sacred anymore, that got us thinking: How could any of these classic food pairs call it quits? Here is what we imagine would cause these culinary couples to finally split. 

Milk & Cookies

After careful consideration, Milk and Cookies are severing their snack-time bond owing to irreconcilable allergens. Milk can no longer tolerate Cookies seeking the companionship of lactose-free milks, including Almond, Soy and Coconut. Cookies regret being irresistible, but insist Milk doesn't actually suffer from Celiac disease and is just trying to cash in on their sugar.

Peanut Butter and Jelly

Peanut Butter and Jelly announced they will no longer collaborate on sandwiches together. Peanut Butter says the cultural divide was too great, since Jelly will never know what it's like to be made in a facility that processes nuts.

Grilled Cheese & Tomato Soup

Tomato Soup is hereby leaving its longtime companion Grilled Cheese over allegations that the sandwich is “shallow," which, coming from a bowl of soup, is considered a low blow. According to sources, Grilled Cheese claims Tomato Soup was "hotter when we met," to which Tomato Soup responded "right back at you." 

Spaghetti & Meatballs

Spaghetti and Meatballs have filed for divorce. The details of their relationship have always been sketchy, some saying they married in Italy while others claim it was only later in New York for immigration reasons. While Spaghetti’s future plans remain unknown, Meatballs are looking forward to doing some soul-searching and traveling to discover more about their Swedish side of the family. 

Gin & Tonic

Friends of Gin and Tonic are confirming reports that the couple (known in the tabloids as G & T) are currently living in an open relationship. In a recent interview, Gin reminisced about the couple's younger days, saying, "Tonic used to sparkle when entering a room," but over time, their romance had fizzled. Gin was willing to admit to being part of the problem, though: "I know I'm not for everyone."

Related: The Official Version of The Simpsons' Duff Beer Set To Hit Shelves
'The Walking Dead' Gets Its Own Beer
Hopefully This 'Twin Peaks' Pop-Up Will Have Excellent Pie