Photo Composite: © Jose Luis Pelaez Inc / Getty Images
Adam Campbell-Schmitt
June 22, 2017

The Super Bowl is by far America's most popular unofficial holiday. For 50 years, we've gathered in front of the TV to watch two teams of rich guys duke it out for glory. Even if you're not a fan of the game of football, there's a good chance you'll be stuck at a party watching the big game, whether it's just for the halftime show, the commercials, or because you feel bad saying no to a co-worker's invitation. No doubt, the easiest way to survive four hours of chips, cheers and armchair quarterbacking is with a good drink. Actually, a few of 'em. So if you've got no idea what the rules of the game are (and won't be paying attention to it anyway), here's a different kind of Super Bowl drinking game for anyone who couldn't care less about sports.

 

First Quarter:

Every time you have to lie about wanting one team to win just to fit in, take a drink.

Every time somebody talks over a commercial, causing everyone to miss the joke, take a drink.

Every time you remember you're only at this party because you resolved to be more social this year, take a drink.

 

Second Quarter:

Every time you see a casualty chip that was lost in the bowl of dip, take a drink. If you see someone actually reach in and take that previously lost chip and eat it, take another drink (and avoid that dip).

Every time a guy mansplains the rules of football to a woman, take a drink. (Offer her a drink.)

Every time that woman provides better explanations of pass interference and offensive holding, take a drink.

 

Halftime:

Reenact the "Bud Bowl" with your two favorite beers. Drink the winning beer. Also drink the losing beer.

Watch Lady Gaga. Take a drink as a toast to Lady Gaga.

Every time someone reminds the room that the Puppy Bowl is on right now, take a drink into the back room and watch the Puppy Bowl with them. Then take a drink every time something cute happens. Then go to the hospital to get treated for alcohol poisoning.

 

Third Quarter:

Every time someone tries to bring up the presidential election while discussing the game, take a drink.

Every time you notice someone giving side-eye to the asshole unapologetically vaping indoors, take a drink.

When the person vaping explains why vaping is better than actually smoking, take a drink.

 

Fourth Quarter:

At this point, you're probably seated on an overturned hamper in a walk-in closet or pretending it's not too cold to be out on the patio with the guy who still smokes real cigarettes. Consider this the Lightning Round for drinking. 

If the person smoking explains why vaping is just as bad as actually smoking, take a drink.

When you hear the cheers/boos of the other guests at the end of the game, take a drink to celebrate surviving another social obligation, er, Super Bowl party! (And call a cab.)

 

Related: Win Your Super Bowl Party With Gatorade Jell-O Shots
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