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Mike Pomranz
June 22, 2017

I know it’s painful, but if you can stomach it, try to think back to last week, that terrible time in America’s past where, everywhere you turned, people were using the free public Wi-Fi at major restaurant chains to blatantly view pornographic content in plain sight of everyone – even scores of innocent children!

Well, thankfully, that nonexistent nightmare is one step closer to an end. Just days after McDonald’s essentially admitted there was no sensible reason not to cave into pressure to fix a problem that wasn’t even there, Starbucks has stated it too plans to start blocking unsavory content on its stores’ free Wi-Fi networks.

“Once we determine that our customers can access our free Wi-Fi in a way that also doesn't involuntarily block unintended content, we will implement this in our stores,” a Starbucks spokesperson told CNN Money. I think Napster made a similar commitment to the Recording Industry Association of America in 1999.

But Starbucks’s move is certainly a victory for families everywhere because if there’s one place you want to be able to take your children where they won’t see anything inappropriate, it’s a coffeehouse. Now if only we can get coffeehouses across the country to officially denounce open mic nights, America’s children will truly be protected.

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As you may recall, Donna Rice Hughes, who’s group Enough Is Enough spearheaded the public Wi-Fi filtering campaign, claimed that Starbucks employees had previously told her “that they sometimes have to tap customers on the shoulder” thanks to illicit content. Hopefully now, with watching porn out of the question, it will free up time for employees to tap the shoulders of all the other customers who are acting inappropriately at Starbucks.

And of course, as I pointed out before, filtering public Wi-Fi doesn’t actually definitively prevent people from viewing pornographic content: Perverts will now just have to burn through a lot more of their mobile data. Maybe the real winners in all this are cellular providers.

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