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Adam Campbell-Schmitt
June 22, 2017

As predicted this past weekend, NASA made their big #MarsAnnouncement today: They have indeed found liquid water on the surface of Mars. This could mean a flood of new ideas and information about our solar system on topics like Mars colonies, the origins of Earth and the possibility of extraterrestrial life. And sure, those are cool, but let's talk about what’s really important: how we're going to exploit that sweet, sweet Mars Water.

Bottled Mars Water 

Like Fiji, Evian and Poland Springs, NY, the fact that Mars Water comes from somewhere exotic and distant must make it superior regardless of how it tastes. Get ready to shell out your cash for transparent red glass bottles of "Marstisian" water at hotel minibars and airport Hudson News stands everywhere.

Mars Water Cold Brew

Just as cold brew made mass-produced iced coffee spit-take-worthy garbage liquid, Mars Water Cold Brew promises to seep into the craft coffee industry like hot water through a bleach-free, organic, sustainable bamboo fiber pourover filter. The rustic flavor of… rust will give the coffee a not earthy, but Marsy note. And of course, it's cold brewed and from space, so the $16 price point for a small cup is totally worth it.

Mars Water Whiskey

It's already very clear that whiskey makers are obsessed with putting their product into space. But thanks to Mars Water, it's now possible to distill whiskey from space. "We want to craft a spirit that not only captures the red color, but also the rich mineral flavors of Mars," says Rollie Whince, chief craftsman at Phobos & Sons Distillery (est. 2017 in Portland, OR).

Mars Water Spa Treatment

From a dip in a Mars Water hot spring to a Martian Soil mud bath and an Essence of Mars Water body scrub, your skin will glow like the tawny, dust-filled atmosphere of our nearest planetary neighbor. Just look at the wonders being stranded on Mars did for The Martian's Matt Damon—that guy hasn't aged a day since he was stranded on a planet in Interstellar!

The Mars Water Cleanse

The Curiosity Rover has discovered a lot of things on the Red Planet's surface, but the one thing we haven't heard NASA say is up there? Toxins. That makes The Mars Water Cleanse® the perfect regimen to detoxify your body. You'll feel as strong and energetic as any god of war after two weeks of subsisting on Mars Water, lemon, honey and a cayenne pepper. Just ask Crossfit Brett in sales—it totally works.

Cold-Pressed Mars Juice

We're all convinced that cold-pressing is the best way to ensure the delivery of essential nutrients in our juices, and what could be colder than water leached out of tholeiitic basalt at -225º F? According to frequent consumers, it also tastes more Martian-y than regular Mars Juices. Once some bearded bicyclist sits down to design a sleek, simple label that says both "Mars Water" and "Cold-Pressed," it's just a matter of time before it's on the shelves of every Starbucks.

Related: This is How Astronauts Will Stay Hydrated in Space
NASA Challenges You to a Game of 'Moon or Frying Pan?'
This Art Installation Shows What Food on Mars Might be Like

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