With the opening of Fifty Shades of Grey this Valentine's Day weekend, I was compelled to reopen my beloved (and hilarious) copy of the cookbook parody: Fifty Shades of Chicken. In it, Anastasia is replaced by a chicken, whom Fifty proceeds to beat, rub, roast and fry into perfection. Here, the anonymous author of that cookbook (who is a very well-established food writer and cook) shares a little special Valentine’s Day intel from the hottest chicken I’ve ever come across.
Holy crap, it’s almost Valentine’s Day. Hearts and flowers and relaxed romantic dinners, right? But what if the one doing the cooking is, shall we say, a little domineering? The type who, when you suggest a nice little quickie dinner, tells you to relax and arrogantly explains, “I don’t ‘make dinner.’ I cook—hard.”
In other words, what if you’re dealing with a Foodie?
I know, I’ve been there—the rough techniques, the kinky batteries de cuisine, the endless instructions. The “very singular tastes” that can make even a weeknight meal into a multi-course marathon of transgressive eating. I’ve sometimes caught my inner goddess looking at her watch.
I mean, I like to be tied up as much as any young, raw chicken. But there are times the luxury sauces, the painfully large citrus and the long sous-vide baths can feel like too much.
Here are the five tips for a hot and romantic Valentine’s Day with even the most dominating control-freak home cook.
1. A little Champagne makes the noises from the kitchen—like pounding, cursing or hard wokking—slightly less intimidating.
2. A blindfold can heighten your other senses, making the purple-sprouted broccoli send gushing waves of rapture through your entire body.
3. Be open-minded. Your foodie’s aggressive use of mustard is all for your pleasure.
4. Vintage Beyoncé sets the perfect mood for a kale salad.
5. Use your safeword at the right time. No one likes a flaccid soufflé.
And foodies: Maybe Valentine’s Day isn’t the time to test your limits with the latest Ottolenghi or Keller recipe. Because let’s face it, sometimes all your sweetie really desires deep down is a good old-fashioned trussing.
Roasted Chicken with Tangerine and Sage