Kitchen Trash
The Ex 5-Piece Knife Set

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You might be set with your holiday shopping, having taken good advantage of Black Thursday/Friday, Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday and the past few weekends. Personally, I wish there was a day of the week given over to shopping for holiday gifts of questionable taste. So I’d like to propose Wacky Present Wednesday. That would be the day you’d get big discounts on items that crack you up as much—or more—than whoever is the lucky recipient.
Peter Petrie Egg Separator
My very favorite stupid shopping website,, never gets it wrong. Among this year’s best sellers is a truly ugly handmade ceramic mug with a face that boasts a gigantic nose. When you crack an egg into the mug and lean it forward, the egg white drips out the nostrils, separating the egg cleanly. From “The Peter Petrie Egg Separator is the most unappetizing kitchen tool ever. And sadly, the stupid thing works.” $14.
The Ex 5-Piece Knife Set (pictured)
What a brilliant gift for anyone who has a broken heart and the urge to cook, or just play with knives. Designed by Raffaele Iannello, this set of five—chef’s knife, bread knife, paring knife, carving knife and utility knife—comes with a holder in the shape of a vulnerable-looking red-plastic person. The five knife slots are through the head, heart, both legs and, most importantly, the guts. About $80.
The 26-pound gummy bear
Perhaps you’ve heard about the gummy bear challenge—competitive snackers trying to devour a five-pound gummy bear. That’s nothing to, which has introduced a 26-pounder in four bright flavors: blue raspberry, green apple, orange or red cherry. The bears boast a one-year shelf life, in case you need a little time to get through all 32,000 calories. Better yet, the belly becomes a one-liter serving bowl for, presumably, smaller gummy bears. $150.
The 150-Pound Texas-Shaped Fruitcake
While we’re on the subject of extra-large and idiosyncratically shaped foods that aren’t cheap, here’s a way to commemorate your big love of the Lone Star State. Gladys’ Bakery in Weimar, Texas, makes this gargantuan confection with fresh pecans, pineapples and cherries, for $999 (plus additional shipping and handling fees, of course).
French Fry Chap Stick
For those times when you can’t get your hands on a french fry but need that flavor on your lips, sells this calorie-free lip balm for $3. The website is also home to the Crustache—mustache–shaped cutters, made for creating mustache-shaped sandwiches. The set includes three distinct styles, all for $7, so you can prepare a choice of droopy, fluffy or hipster mustache-shaped PB&Js.
Stress Weiner
If holiday shopping is stressing you out, and you want to get a present for yourself (besides the Peter Petrie Egg Separator) order this squeezable foam rubber hot dog topped with mustard, from If squeezing the fake hot dog doesn’t alleviate your holiday stress, Baronbob suggests throwing it at a stranger and seeing what happens. $4.

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