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Craziest New Diets

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© Quentin Bacon

If your 2012 diet is off to a fantastic start, yay you. And continue whatever it is you’re doing. If, however, you haven’t already lost 10 pounds, don’t be hard on yourself. Maybe it’s not you: It’s the diet. (Sort of like the old Sex and the City adage: “He’s just not that into you.”) Consider, then, these diets could be exactly right for you.

The Chubster Diet. Here you have “A Hipster’s Guide to Losing Weight While Staying Cool.” Martin Cizmar’s brand-new book notes two definitions of chubster: 1) someone who is proud to be fatty mcfatfat; and 2) the cool guy who is formerly fat. Chapters include How to Work Out (without Looking Like a Tool); there are ratings—from awesome to awful—for Stuff You Can Nuke. Lean Cuisine Chicken with Lasagna Rollatini gets an awful. “Rollatini isn’t actually a type of pasta—it’s not even an Italian word,” notes Cizmar, who lost 100 pounds in eight months after something he refers to as “the Slurpee incident.”

Dukan Diet. Kate Middleton was on it. Jennifer Lopez and Gisele Bundchen reportedly lost their baby weight with it, too. If those three names don’t make you jump on Dr. Pierre Dukan’s diet, you have so much self-control you probably don’t need to lose weight anyway. The Dukan diet, which first came out in France in 2000, is basically a high-protein diet—there are days of pure protein, alternating with days of protein plus vegetables. Unfortunate side effects can include bad breath, constipation, dry mouth and fatigue.

Thrive Vegan Diet. If you’re looking for a diet that’s good for something besides yourself – like the earth – consider Thrive. Created by professional triathlete Brendan Brazier, Thrive focuses on vegan foods that help fuel your way to uber athleticism. Thrive Foods his newest book, includes 200 plant based recipes; if you want a 6-week workout plan, plus old-school-looking photos of Brazier working out, go for Thrive Fitness, and hope that Hugh Jackman, who’s been on the Thrive Vegan diet, will star in the next series of workout photos.

Paleoista Diet. First there was the Paleo diet. Better known as the Caveman diet, Paleo focuses on the diets of our very ancient ancestors with an emphasis on lean meats, seafood, fruits, nuts and vegetables. (Some paleos take it to extremes and donate blood frequently to simulate caveman hunting injuries.) Paleoista does not go that far; instead this book by Nell Stephenson, which comes out in May, is paleo for girls: it means eliminating anything made with sugar, processed grains, legumes and dairy. Which presumably will change the morning Starbucks habits of a lot of wannabe paleoistas.

Gay Men Don’t Get Fat Diet. This is not the place to find a recipe for Seared Ostrich with Dandelion Greens (look to the Paleoista for that). In fact, there are no recipes. Instead author Simon Doonan, the creative ambassador at large for Barneys New York, divides foods into straight (the fattening ones) and gay (the healthy, good-looking ones) and then advises eating both for a healthy diet.

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